Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Natural mommy?

I admit it. Being the mommy of an infant does not come naturally to me. I try hard. I do. But I only have two real weapons in my arsenal (see, does that turn of phrase sound like it came from a natural nurturer to you?) the boob and the clean diaper. If those don't work then I'm out. I bounce, I sway, I sing, but Coen feels my head spinning loose from my neck and it just doesn't work. Pat can manage to soothe him with bouncing, but even for him it's difficult. I've heard him chanting "you are killing daddy's back, you are killing daddy's back... but do I go and relieve him? No because the boob and diaper didn't work and like I said, I'm out of ideas.

Today I took the boys to Fintan's storytime. Coen was already tired when we got there, but he wouldn't sleep on me. I tried bouncing, swaying, the boob, nothing was working. I was managing to keep it down to mild fussing, but couldn't get to silence and came nowhere near contentment. After storytime Fintan went to play with the toys as usual and after a few minutes of bouncing with my head spinning loose I told Fintan we had five more minutes, the countdown went fairly quickly and when I got to one more minute I asked a friend of mine if she could hold Coen for a minute so I could get Fintan's jacket on him. I apologized for the fact that he was fussing and she totally brushed it off. Now this particular friend has been trying for baby number two for some time now and has been having fertility treatments. I know she wants a baby more than anything and her eyes lit up when she took him from me. It was so sweet. And almost with the same breath Coen stopped fussing. He breathed in her mommyness and was peaceful.

Was I jealous? Maybe a tiny bit. But more than anything I was just in awe of it. Sure she's soft and warm and smells good (as his own mommy often doesn't), but more than anything I really believe that some people are just naturals with babies. and babies sense it. I wish I could bottle some of what she has and take it home with me.

Now I'm not saying I'm not cut out to be a mom completely. Raising a toddler comes much more naturally to me than tending to a baby does. But I think my ideal mommy range is going to fall between the ages of 6-12. And I think the teen years will come easier for me than the first year does. Teen angst is a fairly sharp memory for me. Just like my friend calming Coen at the library by her presence I've always seemed to have a strange cosmic affinity for kids between about six and 10. I can't even tell you how many times I've been taken by the hand soon after meeting a child and invited into a clubhouse that I'm way too big for but crammed myself into anyway. Or led into a darkened bathroom to play lite brite, etc. I've actually always found it a bit unnerving even as it's fun because I don't know exactly what I did right and I'm afraid to mess it up! But there really is something there. So I look forward to those years even as I enjoy these more challenging ones.

Do you have an age range that you think will be your natural one as a mommy? Does it all come naturally to you? Don't be afraid to share. Even if its all easy for you. I won't throw stones at you...pebbles maybe, but no stones.


SaRaH said...

hold the pebbles.

What if I don't have a range? I mean, I have love overflowing, but really, none of this is my forte.

Alina said...

You definitely don't have to have a range, Sarah. :) I am probably dreaming when I say that it will come naturally to me during those years. It's much different holding a kid's hand out of the blue and playing lite brite with them when you can go home right afterward!

I hope it does, though. It would be nice to feel able to relax a bit and hopefully not be so hard on myself.

Doesn't love a wall said...

Latley I've been enjoying Madda SO much. She's talking so well and we can got get "Choca milk" together and talk walks downtown....

I think I am bad with like 5-12. I LOVE teenagers, but then again the ones I worked with weren't mine! lol!

I def didn't care for the newborn stage. When they're just lumps...that's rough. I think sometimes though it's just be someone different. People hold babies differently, smell different, have a different voice. I fimrly belives that babies get tired of their SAHM mommies!

Layla and Delia said...

I'm not a natural baby/infant mommy, either. Thank you for saying it out loud, because it validated something I've thought for a while. I don't really like other people's babies, and am not usually one to coo over them. I love the toddler stage, though. They're just interested in everything and have so much energy (thought some days I dislike this a lot about them). And they love you and unabashadly show it. :)